Day 24: Babysitting

I used to babysit all the time growing up. I mean like seriously every weekend practically since I was 12 or so. I loved babysitting. I was great with kids and I got paid to play with kids and eat other peoples food. What could be better? A date? No, not me. I didn't date much. I didn't hang out with people much. Mostly, I just babysat.

(This is Rachel and Brandon. I babysat them for years. I miss them.)

I still love babysitting actually. I love it for different reasons most days. I like when Ezra has a playmate to distract him from climbing my legs or whinning in my ear to play the wii. I also love it just because I love kids and it's so fun to play with them. I love to share Ezra's toys (when he says it's okay of course) and watch them discover new things in new surroundings. I love to see the differences in children. I love the snuggly ones especially.

The one thing I never thought about as a single, child-less, free-time/working babysitter was how much those parents trusted me and NEEDED me. It makes me wish I babysat for free a lot more. It makes me wish I thanked them for having so much trust in a young girl to take extra special care of their most precious angels.

The first time I ever had a young girl babysit my Ezra I was a basketcase. We were in Maryland and wanted to go to the temple, so my mother-in-law found us a sitter. I had never met her nor had Ezra. I wrote her a long note about him. I trusted her because my mother-in-law did, but I was so nervous about how Ezra would behave and how she would handle things. It all turned out well and I laughed about my lengthy letter to her afterwards.

Any babysitter we have had since I have appreciated so much. Sometimes it might be annoying how many times I say "thank you" to them. Not only did I get time with my James because of them, but they took care of my other two boys that are my life. It is so hard to ask people to watch your kids because I think sometimes they really just don't want to. Not that it's a bad thing; they have their own family to spend time with and take care of. When you ask a young girl she probably says yes because she's getting money out of the deal, but all of our friends work for free and it makes me feel badly. We don't go out alone often for that reason. (Okay, and mostly because I have the HARDEST time being away from my children. James actually does too.)

However, when we do, we feel renewed and it's wonderful. It is no simple favor to look after someone else's children. I feel blessed any time I am asked because I know how much trust they are putting in me to look after their little ones and I love it. Am I weird?

Day 23: I Rolled My Car

This was my favorite car. Well, next to my Passat, but I only had that for a couple of months before James made me sell it.

Her name was Daisy Dash:

She was a graduation present from my parents (though I was paying them monthly for it.) I had her for a little over a year and then this happened...

I was driving home at 2 in the morning and a deer ran in front of me. I swerved. We rolled. She died. I was fine. I'm still traumatized. I have severe anxiety in the car, especially at night. I see animals all over the road that aren't really there. It was terrifying and I just can't get over it. It was July 2006, you'd think I'd be over it. James is sensitive to my paranoia, so we try to avoid driving at night when we can. And that was the end of my favorite car. I'm hoping to get another rav4 someday, but I'm thinking my family wouldn't fit in it, so I might be a minivan driver. That's okay with me.

Day 22: White Water Rafting

I LOVE White Water Rafting. My Grandfather was very into white water rafting even in his "old" age. September 2009 Ezra had his first rafting trip and he loved it too. We went out with My sister-in-law Erica, her husband Dusty, their four kids and my father-in-law Duane. We went through very calm water since we had 5 kids on board, but it was still fun. I want to go again so badly. I'm so eager to go through higher class rapids, but the mild water is worth seeing the joy on Ezzy's face. We also went kayaking on this trip and I think Ezra liked that even more. James and I were just dreaming the other day about how fun it would be to get a double kayak and then go out around the Bay back in Maryland. It's making me homesick and summer-sick just thinking about it.

Day 21: Just Like Daddy

Ezra loves to do everything just like his daddy. I have a picture of him doing pull-ups with daddy on our pull-up bar, but like everything else, it is on our inaccessible computer. It's true that children mimic almost everything their parents do and say, but it is especially more true that Ezra mimics EVERYTHING daddy does and says. He does push-ups, pull-ups, jumps off of everything, wants to go to work and loves playing racquetball. The other night James told Ezra he could come with him to his racquetball league if he finished his dinner first. That little boy rushed to the table and shoveled in bite after bite and was so excited when he finished in time to go out with daddy.

I love how much he adores his daddy and it makes me even happier to see how much James adores his boys. 

Days 18, 19 & 20: Sisters

I've been busy. I figured since I have many sisters and I'm so behind that these pictures could count for a few days...

My big sister Jenn (aka Jenny or Poopsnot):

She has two kids. Two boys.

My Sister-in-law Jamie ( My older brother's wife. She also has the best laugh.):
She has two kids; one boy and one girl.

My sister-in-law Erica (James' oldest and therefore wisest sister):

She has four kids. Two girls followed by two boys.

My sister-in-law Amy (James' second oldest and sweetest sister):

She has four kids. Also two girls and two boys.

(This is the only pic I could find of her on this computer, so here's her family for you too.)

My sister-in-law Katie (James' most fiesty sister):

She has two girls and a baby boy due in June.

None of them are going to appreciate me posting a picture of them. Sorry. I love all of them. I was blessed with Jenn at birth because she prayed for me, and the other four I was blessed with because I prayed for them. There's nothing quite like having a sister. Especially when they're all older and more experienced than I am and can laugh at me or with me while we all journey through motherhood.

Day 17: There's Something About Ezra

He's a special child. Okay, not in that way. He's just so strange sometimes. All parents probably (hopefully) have moments where they think their kids are weird mostly because they are taken by surprise that they thought of whatever they just did or said. There's also those moments when they do or say something that happens by accident and it CRACKS me up!

Ezra provides me with many of those moments. I love watching him become independent as he's discovering new, "grown-up" things about the world.

Like getting dressed by himself:

(The creepy eyes ^ are my camera's version of red-eye correction.)

He was so proud that I almost left his pants tucked into his socks when we went to church. I didn't, but I thought about it.

He also got his first pair of light-up shoes from Grandma Lene. I don't know why, but light-up shoes just makes him seem like a big kid. I want a pair too. He loves them. He stomps his feet every where he goes just to get them to light-up. He almost wore them to bed the first night he got them.

There's something about Ezra and it makes me smile.

Oh and Happy St. Patty's Day. Definitely not wearing green. Oops. My Nana would be so disappointed.

Day 16: Arctic Circle Date

We went to the park today. Two of my neighbors were taking their kids and invited us along. After a long, brisk walk there I realized they were nuts and so was I. Actually, their kids were doing great and loved being outside. I'm not so good with being cold. Ezra's not either. Makai is too laid back to agree, but I'm pretty sure by the way he kept trying to catch his breath that he was cold too. We were there only a couple of minutes when Ezra went down the slide and right when he got to the bottom I saw a waterfall pour off the edge. He was very wet and very cold, so that crazy adventure of trying to get my kids out of the house ended very quickly. We came home and changed Ezra's clothes and then he was ready to go back outside. I, however, was not. So we compromised. Arctic Circle play area. I think I'll stay inside until all the snow has melted. 

I love going on dates with my boys. Makai is so calm-natured that I can talk to him about anything. He's a great listener. Ezra is such a silly goose that there is never a dull moment or awkward silence. I open all the doors, pull out the chairs and pay for the dates, but I don't even mind with these two. James is still my favorite date, but the Tressler Boys are the next best.

I told Ezra to be careful when he was playing on the stairs in the play area. His response was, "Why cause mom?" I said, "Because I love you and I want you to be safe and not get hurt." He replied, "oh, okay mom, I'll be careful."

He also may or may not be wearing a collared shirt backwards and his shoes may or may not be on the wrong feet. I love his style. The girls next to us whispered to each other and then looked at him and laughed. They didn't whisper very quietly, so I knew why they were laughing. That just made me want to turn his pants inside out and put those on backwards too. "Mind yo' business. He's got swagger and your just jealous your kids aren't as cool."

Day 15: One of My Favorite Days

The day Makai was born is definitely at the list of my favorite days. Not only did James and I get a beautiful, huge baby, we also watched Ezra get a brother. My family felt a little closer to complete when Makai came to us. As hard as it was for me to adjust to having two children, it has been equally rewarding. Makai brings us all so much joy. Ezra thinks he's so funny and James and I can't stop kissing him.

He was so blue and swollen the day he was born because of his traumatic delivery. He stopped breathing when the nurse was bathing him. From then on we were afraid to put him down because we couldn't tell if he was blue from birth or from not breathing. Obviously all turned out well. I just love him so much.

This is one of my favorite memories from that day. I was so happy to see Ezra and introduce him to his new brother. It was the first time I had ever been away from Ezra overnight. I cried when he left and made my mom bring him back to say goodnight to me. I was so worried that I wouldn't be able to love another child as much as I loved Ezra. Then I had Makai and not only did I immediately love another child so deeply, but simultaneously, my love for Ezra grew as well.

I feel so blessed to be called their mom.

Day 14: My Struggle

Getting a little personal. I was struggling about what I wanted to write today for the photo challenge because I really was not feeling up to it, so since I think of this thing like a journal, James told me to just write what I'm feeling. So I did. I'd stop reading here if I were you.

Hi. My name is Kayleen. One thing you may know about me that has never changed and probably will never change is that I do not like to take serious pictures. The only serious pictures I have ever liked of myself are my engagement pictures. Otherwise I'd rather have a grape up my nose to distract from all of my imperfections. Okay, all my insecurites.

Some people struggle with addictions, others with tempers and so on. I struggle with low self-esteem. I'd like to say that this is something that I have gotten over or that it is something that I am getting over, but honestly, I think it's something I will always struggle with. It's my greatest weakness. Unfortunately, it really can be a big one. Since I have gotten married I found ways to push the negative thoughts from my mind faster and realize they aren't true, so I guess I am getting a little better, but it is the one thing that my tears always seem to revolve around. I walk away from so many situations over-analyzing everything and convincing myself that I said something or did something wrong and therefore am not a likable person or a good friend. Instead I hide behind my goofy faces and obnoxious personality. Most of the time that's just me (especially past 10 at night when I can no longer be held accountable for my behavior), other times it's a very insecure girl wearing a mask.
My whole family struggles with this.

The only thing that I was ever confident about was being a good mother until recently I have been fighting with comments from the outside trying to tear me down. "Bad Mothers" or "Someone needs to put a sock in that {bleeping} kids mouth" or "You're just making it harder on your children". These things eat at me.

If I ever look in the mirror or see a picture where I am trying to be pretty, I get disgusted. Why? I studied psychology. I know how this works. I actually believe that self-esteem shouldn't matter. So what if I'm ugly? So what if I'm not really good at anything? I am still a daughter of God and I am not here to be pretty or good at anything. Truthfully, I am here primarily for my children and for James. So why is it that I can't get out of my own head and forget about what I think or feel about me or what everyone else thinks or feels? It's very selfish, but knowing that only makes me feel even worse about myself. It's almost humorous how ridiculous this struggle really is, but yet it is so real to me that I just can't laugh it off.

I have about 1 bad day to every 14+ good days, so it's not like this is my everyday, but those days when it is are my days when I lose patience, I'm not nice to my husband, I look uglier than is the reality. James tells me I'm beautiful. I think he's nuts. That hurts him. I don't want to have days where I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to over-analyze everything. I don't want to be so emotional and insecure. I don't want to worry about what I look like or what having children has done to my already imperfect body. I guess what I really want is to be a man.

Tomorrow I'll be fine. I'll forget that I feel this way for the next 14 days and then I'll wake up tired, deal with a cranky toddler and needy baby, not be able to see my husband and I'll remember this post and cry. Then, the next day, I'll be fine. Que sera sera. I have found a trick. It works if I'm mad at James or sad at myself. I've mentioned it before... Throw cold water in James' face. It always makes me feel better.

Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go get myself some water...

Day 13: How Embarrassing

Why is this so funny to me?

I did eventually put the outfit on the right way, but you better believe I kept him like this through breakfast and into late morning. I couldn't help myself. It still makes me laugh out loud.

Proof that I got him dressed:

And proof that they're totally cute AND best buds ;)