Getting a little personal. I was struggling about what I wanted to write today for the photo challenge because I really was not feeling up to it, so since I think of this thing like a journal, James told me to just write what I'm feeling. So I did. I'd stop reading here if I were you.
Hi. My name is Kayleen. One thing you may know about me that has never changed and probably will never change is that I do not like to take serious pictures. The only serious pictures I have ever liked of myself are my engagement pictures. Otherwise I'd rather have a grape up my nose to distract from all of my imperfections. Okay, all my insecurites.
Some people struggle with addictions, others with tempers and so on. I struggle with low self-esteem. I'd like to say that this is something that I have gotten over or that it is something that I am getting over, but honestly, I think it's something I will always struggle with. It's my greatest weakness. Unfortunately, it really can be a big one. Since I have gotten married I found ways to push the negative thoughts from my mind faster and realize they aren't true, so I guess I am getting a little better, but it is the one thing that my tears always seem to revolve around. I walk away from so many situations over-analyzing everything and convincing myself that I said something or did something wrong and therefore am not a likable person or a good friend. Instead I hide behind my goofy faces and obnoxious personality. Most of the time that's just me (especially past 10 at night when I can no longer be held accountable for my behavior), other times it's a very insecure girl wearing a mask.
My whole family struggles with this.
My whole family struggles with this.
The only thing that I was ever confident about was being a good mother until recently I have been fighting with comments from the outside trying to tear me down. "Bad Mothers" or "Someone needs to put a sock in that {bleeping} kids mouth" or "You're just making it harder on your children". These things eat at me.
If I ever look in the mirror or see a picture where I am trying to be pretty, I get disgusted. Why? I studied psychology. I know how this works. I actually believe that self-esteem shouldn't matter. So what if I'm ugly? So what if I'm not really good at anything? I am still a daughter of God and I am not here to be pretty or good at anything. Truthfully, I am here primarily for my children and for James. So why is it that I can't get out of my own head and forget about what I think or feel about me or what everyone else thinks or feels? It's very selfish, but knowing that only makes me feel even worse about myself. It's almost humorous how ridiculous this struggle really is, but yet it is so real to me that I just can't laugh it off.
I have about 1 bad day to every 14+ good days, so it's not like this is my everyday, but those days when it is are my days when I lose patience, I'm not nice to my husband, I look uglier than is the reality. James tells me I'm beautiful. I think he's nuts. That hurts him. I don't want to have days where I am disgusted with myself. I don't want to over-analyze everything. I don't want to be so emotional and insecure. I don't want to worry about what I look like or what having children has done to my already imperfect body. I guess what I really want is to be a man.
Tomorrow I'll be fine. I'll forget that I feel this way for the next 14 days and then I'll wake up tired, deal with a cranky toddler and needy baby, not be able to see my husband and I'll remember this post and cry. Then, the next day, I'll be fine. Que sera sera. I have found a trick. It works if I'm mad at James or sad at myself. I've mentioned it before... Throw cold water in James' face. It always makes me feel better.
Okay, I'm done. I'm going to go get myself some water...
1 comment:
I think you've posted that last comment before. Do you seriously do that? And he lets you? Haha!
Well, I know this isn't going to help because I know exactly what you are going through, but I think you're wonderful! And of course beautiful. You ARE a far better mother than I will ever be. In fact you're actually far better at most things than I am. I'm being serious. All moms have bad days and lose there patience. I would really worry about the ones that don't. As far as perfect body, I think you look great! If you're worried about it, I'll have to show you all my stretch marks. I think It'll make anyone feel better about their body again. :) Please just pick up the phone on those days and we can goof off and talk about old times. That always cheers me up anyway. I love you and miss you, sister.
Post a Comment