It has been two months since Kevin died on Thanksgiving day. I still have the voicemail my mom left me. All that was clear was the panic in her tone. I didn't answer her call or listen to the voicemail right away. It was early here and I was in a room with sleeping babies. I texted her that I would call her back when they got up. I thought she was just calling to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. She texted me back with the reality of the nightmare that had unfolded in her bathroom that morning. I called right away praying it was a typo, but I knew it was true the second she picked up the phone. Kevin was gone. My baby brother died of a heroin overdose after being 118 sober and 5 days out of a sober living facility. Addiction is a thief.
I still can't believe it is true. I have never really had to handle a loss like this one and I have to admit, the feelings that come with grief are often confusing and sometimes too deep to comprehend. It feels heavy, like physically heavy. I dream of him, I think of him, I cry for him. I miss him.
My dad asked me to speak at Kevin's memorial service. I sniffed the whole way through, but I'm grateful for the opportunity because it brought me closer to Kevin. I thought about what he would want me to say and what he would want the people in attendance to hear. Our family has had a few experiences that help us to believe that Kevin is in a far better, safer place than he was on this earth. We are still rooting for Kev and we are still holding out the hope that we will see him again someday.
Kevin’s Funeral (12/7/2019)
Before I begin my talk, I just wanted to speak on behalf of my family and express how deeply touched and grateful we all are for the outpouring of love we have received since Kevin’s passing. Whether through meals, flowers, texts, calls, prayers, visits, shoveling snow, helping with this funeral, and all the people who have reached out to share their love for Kevin and express what a beautiful person he was. No act of service or love was too small or left unappreciated. We are humbled and so blessed and we thank you for especially taking care of our parents during this time.
For those of you who don’t know me. My name is Kayleen. I am one of Kevin’s siblings. There were 4 of us, our older sister Jenn, then our brother Jay, then me and then Kevin. Kevin and I were pretty close growing up and he will always be special to me. He was a pretty easy going kid and enjoyed simply being with our family.
Kevin was always the kid who wanted to make people laugh. He liked to be crazy and sometimes he was a big goof just to get a rise out of people. He was spontaneous and fun and other times he would surprise us with his complex thoughts. He was really clever with quick wit and sarcasm. He had a kind heart and he was a good friend.
He had a love for reading and adventure. He was a pretty good writer too. And ever since he was a little kid, he would be found sketching and drawing things. He even tried writing a book at one point. I remember him being so proud of some of his sketches and stories. He would come down and tell us all about them.
He also had a special place in his heart for animals. He talked often about one day having a bunch of pets and the comfort he received from animals. I think he’d agree that his favorite job was working for a pet groomer.
His friends have said what a good friend he was and how he would often go above and beyond to help them. He loved to make them laugh. His friends meant so much to him as most of his friends have suffered or are suffering with addictions and they would try to help each other through it.
But the most important thing to Kevin was his family. We have many memories of Christmas mornings, family vacations, camping trips, natural waterslide outings, weekly family home evenings that sometimes just turned into playful wrestling battles, and just daily play. He also had 15 nephews and nieces who loved him and I know he loved them.
His love for our family was very evident on one particular Christmas years ago. Instead of buying presents, Kevin decided to give all of us a hand written letter. It was then, and probably always will be my most cherished Christmas gift ever. I wanted to read a very small excerpt from that, he says, “When I think of what you guys do for me, it feels like you’re there right beside me, cheering me up. I love you and everyone in the family. I’m glad I chose you. You guys mean everything to me and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you.”
We were always praying for Kevin and cheering him on. Even though the past 10 years or so have been heartbreaking to watch him get deeper and deeper into his addictions and even though Kevin didn’t always recognize it, he was loved so very much. He was prayed for, he was believed in. We all wanted Kevin to no longer suffer through his addictions. And now the words that Kevin wrote in the letter to me at Christmas stating he doesn’t know what he’d do if he ever lost one of us, is exactly how we’re feeling; we don’t know what we’ll do now that we’ve lost him.
Helen Keller said, “What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us.” Kevin is a part of us all. This news has been devastating to say the very least, but we are comforted in the hope that he is no longer suffering.
I came across a talk from one of the general authorities for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. His name is Elder Robert C. Gay, and the talk is called Taking upon Ourselves the Name of Jesus Christ. He was talking about his sister and some struggles she had dealt with and a rebuke he received from the Spirit for misjudging her. He said, “I was made acutely aware of her goodness and allowed to see her as someone who had to deal with difficult issues I did not have.”
He later stated, “Can any one of you imagine our Savior letting you and your burdens go unnoticed by Him? That Savior looked upon the Samaritan, the adulterer, the tax collector, the leper, the mentally ill and the sinner with the same eyes. All were children of His Father. All were redeemable. Can you imagine Him turning away from someone with doubts about their place in God’s kingdom or from anyone afflicted in any manner? I cannot. In the eyes of Christ, each soul is of infinite worth.”
He continues, “His love is greater than our fears, our wounds, our addictions, our doubts, our temptations, our sins, our broken families, our depression and anxieties, our chronic illness, our poverty, our abuse, our despair, and our loneliness. He wants all to know there is nothing and no one He is unable to heal and deliver to enduring joy. His grace is sufficient. He alone descended below all things. The power of His Atonement is the power to overcome any burden.”
Those words gave me comfort as I was reminded of the Atonement and the love of our Savior that can lift Kevin from his trials. Our hearts feel broken, shattered and irreparable, but we know he is free from what plagued him and suffocated him. I keep imagining Kevin kneeling on the ground, weighted down by shame, with tears filling his eyes, as our Savior comes to him, kneels beside him and wraps his arms around him to whisper these words, “Oh Kevin, you’re safe now, you’re ok, I’ve got you.” I think of how much we, as his family and his friends, love him, and if we can love him so much, think of how much more love our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have for him.
I tried desperately to find a poem or a quote to share that was just right, but I couldn’t find the right poem, so I sat down to write a poem myself. As I began typing, the words just seemed to flow and it was almost as if Kevin was there helping me write it. I feel like my healing began when these words were in front of me, so I pray that they will help someone else as well. I wrote this poem as if Kevin was speaking to us right now. It is titled, “Time For Me to go”.
When I see you crying, my heart is filled with love.
I see how much you cared for me as I now watch you from above.
I said I didn’t know it, but I think I always did.
The love you have for me is still the same as when I was a kid.
You didn’t give up hope, you didn’t leave me alone.
You wanted me to find my peace, but you knew I couldn’t do it on my own.
To my mom, my dad, my family and my friends,
I see your tears, but please know that this is not the end.
Suddenly my heart is whole, I can breathe freely once again.
I no longer feel burdened and weighed down, my soul is beginning to mend.
It’s amazing how much joy I feel now that I’m on the other side,
Though I am still truly sorry for being the cause of all the tears you’ve cried.
Mom, please lift your head up higher now knowing you did your best.
I’m in a better place, it’s true, my suffering is put to rest.
Dad, you never gave up on me, you never ceased to care.
I never felt alone because you were always there.
Jenn, Jay and Kayleen, my siblings whom I adore,
I’m so sorry, I know you expected more.
Please know that I tried hard to be the man you saw in me.
I’m better now, I’m becoming that guy somehow because I’ve been set free.
More time wouldn’t have changed me, I was trapped and falling hard.
I needed to be on the other side, my earthly life was too scarred.
It’s ok, don’t cry for me, please rejoice in what has happened.
I’m better now, I’ve been released, I’m no longer being held captive.
I love you all and I’m sorry for leaving you this way,
Though I don’t regret that I had to go, it was better for me not to stay.
I’ll be watching down on you, I’ll sit with you while you heal.
I’ll laugh with you when the time is right and I’ll be with you as you kneel.
I’ll hear your prayer asking for strength, and I’ll remind you what you already know.
I’m better now, I’ve been set free, it was time for me to go.
Kevin, you will live on in our hearts and minds. When we think of you, we will think of your smile and your kindness. I know we will see you again someday. I know your Heavenly Father loves you and our Savior, Jesus Christ, will make up the difference for your suffering. We love you Kevin. We always have. We always will.
I leave these thoughts and my testimony with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
