My Experience With a Miscarriage

This beautiful water painting was given to me from a sweet friend and helped me begin to heal after this.
The book was a gift from my dear sister who knew my heartache.

You know how common it is. You know you're not the only one who experiences it. You know it's not your fault. And yet, somehow, when it happens to you, you feel lonely and responsible and it's so personal. Brynlee was two years old. We weren't trying to get pregnant, but we were pretty sure we wanted at least one more baby. It was the biggest shocker of all my pregnancies when I found out I was pregnant. I told a friend that I just hadn't been feeling well. She asked if I was pregnant, because any time a young mom tells you she doesn't feel well, people always assume that's why. I laughed and said no, but then I started thinking, "wait, maybe..." I took a test and was like, "whelp, that explains it!" Pregnant with baby number 5.

For some reason, James always asks me if I think I'm going to miscarry. This time was no different, but he tells me later that he actually had a feeling this time. We did a scavenger hunt reveal for the kids to tell them we were gonna have another baby. It was so exciting. I went in at about 8 weeks for my first check up, saw the baby, heard the heartbeat, and began falling in love.

Though there were many times in those 5 weeks after hearing that heartbeat that I worried and prayed. We have a very difficult child who struggles with some pretty intense aggression and anger and I seriously had to (and still have to) fight with him almost daily. Sometimes the fights are using all of my physical strength to restrain him from breaking something or hurting himself or someone else. There were many nights that I'd be in hysterical tears praying to God that I didn't know if I could handle another baby and especially praying that He would not send me another difficult kid like this one. I actually even remember saying, "if there is anything wrong with this baby, I can't handle it. I'm not ready. I'm not strong enough."That's what made this upcoming news hurt a little more...

I felt my usual first trimester sickness. My mother in law even came to visit for a few weeks to help me out. A couple of days before she left, I had another routine ultrasound scheduled. I went alone while James stayed home with his mom and the other kids. The technician never turned the monitor on in front of me, but I kept turning to see hers. It looked a little different to me, but there was a baby, so I didn't really think anything until she turned it all off and told me to head upstairs to wait for my OB. That was way too fast and she didn't even print any pictures. I picked up my stuff and turned to her and said, "Is something wrong?" She just tilted her head and tightened her lips. I said, "There's no heartbeat... is there?" She just shook her head to say no.

My heart sank. Through tears I said, "I've had 4 healthy babies, I don't even know how to react to this." She actually seemed a little upset that she had to talk with me about this, so I no longer felt safe with my emotions. She told me to wait in that room and that she'd be right back. I texted James because I knew I wouldn't be able to speak. The technician came back in and said she'd take me upstairs the back way and bring me right to a room with my OB so I didn't have to wait in the waiting room sobbing. I was grateful for that.

My OB said the usual, "These things happen. There was probably something wrong in the development, etc, etc." All I said is, "how do I get this baby out? I can't stand the thought of something dead inside of me." I was really just so confused. She sent me downstairs to the hospital scheduling where I then sat in the waiting room for like an hour sobbing and processing.

The next morning I went in for a D&C. And just like that, it was all over with nothing but a few gained pounds to show for it. It was just sad. I felt empty and so guilty. I felt responsible for this. I felt like, "Oh my gosh, I almost even prayed for this to happen those nights after battles with my kid. This happened because God agrees with me that I am unfit to be a mother and I can't handle another."

It was really difficult for me to understand that this was not my fault and that even if Heavenly Father heard my prayers, it did not mean I wasn't a good mom or that I didn't deserve that baby. It took me awhile to recognize that it might have been a blessing and not a punishment that I was given more time to figure things out, more time to wrap my head around the idea of another baby and more time to prepare myself to be the mother the next baby needed me to be.

It was a learning experience that was so incredibly difficult, but one I'm also grateful for. It taught me life is precious and fragile. It taught me compassion for other couples who go through something like that, so that I could understand a little more of their pain. It reminded me not only my beliefs about God in this life, but of our pre-existence and our life after death. It reminded me that trials make us stronger and closer to our Savior and also grants us a greater capacity to bear one another's burdens.

Everyone who has experienced a miscarriage has had a different experience. Some feel intense sadness, others might feel relief. Some don't even feel anything. But what I had to figure out is that it was not a punishment. It was not because I was unworthy or unfit or unloved. It was an experience that made me have a greater appreciation for the two little babies that would come to me after this. I don't no why this happened to me, or happens to anyone else, sometimes many many times, but I do know that our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered for this pain. He felt the weight of each tear I cried, so that He would be there to lift me up and help me through it. Sometimes we go through trials to come closer to Him so we can learn that we are not alone and we are loved.